Category Archives: Family

Family

Hotel Pools, McDonald’s and a Funeral

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Last weekend we went to the funeral of Abby’s uncle, Lee Erlandson. It was a whirlwind 32-hour trip:

  • We intentionally picked a hotel with a good pool to give the kids something to do. Turns out Milo is suicidal around pools. He’d just walk right off the edge into the water, not even attempting to jump or push off at all. I thought he was going to crack the back of his head on the side of the pool, never mind the whole toddler drowning thing.
  • We had to explain a funeral to Lexi, who was still trying to process Jesus dying and rising again from Easter. Not a good combo.
  • Lexi had also been watching Beauty and the Beast in the car and wanted to know who killed Uncle Lee and whether or not he was a princess. Thankfully we had that conversation in the hotel and not at the funeral home.
  • Lexi managed to sit through a 75-minute service with a minimum of interruptions and outbursts. Milo, on the other hand, spent most of the service outside with Abby. Yes, we were those weird people who brought kids to a funeral. We actually had no babysitting options and thought it would be a much shorter service. In retrospect, I think sitting through the service with a 4-year-old brought some levity to the whole thing (though I’m not sure if anyone else felt that way).
  • And when did McDonald’s get so swanky? We stopped for a quick break and enjoyed a little Nickelodeon on the personal TVs in our cushy booth. I was tempted to bring in the laptop and check out the wifi with a little frappuccino. OK, not really. But it was an option.
  • I know I’m not good at smalltalk, but I’m really bad at funeral smalltalk. I think “So how’s it going?” was the first question out of my mouth to just about everyone. Including a brother and son of the deceased.

What I found especially thought-provoking was the funeral itself. The service stretched on so long because they opened it up for anyone to share memories about Lee (open mic at a funeral?). I didn’t know Lee very well at all—I’ve only seen him a handful of times—so it was interesting to hear coworkers, friends and teammates share their memories and impressions.

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Adoption, Children, Family

I’m Not a Super Dad

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The last day to pre-order Addition by Adoption is tomorrow. If you don’t order it by tomorrow, you’ll have to wait for the official launch on May 11. The book has received a lot of press in the past week—OK, “press” meaning friends and contacts blogging and tweeting about the book. But they’ve had a lot of nice things to say. It’s enough to make your head swell. So it’s time to pop that bubble: I’m not a super dad.

I’ve found that the biggest challenge of adoption and raising kids in general is just the day to day. There are day-to-day challenges and difficulties that you have to rise up and face every day. Those challenges can wear you down pretty quickly if you’re not careful.

For whatever reason I woke up on the wrong side of the bed Saturday and I had no patience. That wouldn’t be so awful, but Milo woke up on the wrong side of his crib and he’d been screaming all morning. Not a good combination.

Finding ways to deal with those kinds of frustrations is crucial. On Saturday Milo and I had to take a break from each other. My wife and I frequently have times where one of us needs to ‘run away,’ and I that’s what I needed Saturday.

It’s stuff like trying to get work done and your daughter won’t stop asking if Sesame Street is on. At first it’s cute, then it’s annoying and then it’s like poking a tiger with a stick at the zoo. The other day Lexi did that so often I told her if she asked me one more time she couldn’t watch it. So she asked if it was time for Milo to take a nap, which happens to be the same time Sesame Street is on. Sneaky. Very sneaky.

Adoption certainly has its own unique challenges and issues you need to recognize (and in some cases very serious issues), but it’s really just parenting. More complicated parenting, yeah, but it’s still parenting. And parenting is pretty complicated and hard and stressful and challenging. Did I mention I had no patience on Saturday?

That’s one thing I like about the book—it’s honest. The book includes these moments of frustration. Sometimes you need an afternoon of TV and snacks and no kids to regain some sanity (at least one review expressed relief at sharing that sentiment). Any parent who doesn’t get frustrated by their kids and need a break once and while is either lying or a saint. It’s not the kids’ fault, it’s not your fault, it’s just how life is.

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Adoption, Children, Family

Good Adoption Stories: All the Single Ladies

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There’s a lot of crap about adoption out there. Everyone has their horror stories.

You may have heard the story about the 7-year-old boy adopted from Russia who was put on a plane by himself and shipped back to Moscow with a note. His adoptive parents said they were lied to about his issues and his violent behavior wasn’t what they signed up for. So after six months and apparently no attempts to get help they sent the kid back to Russia.

I don’t want to judge, but these are the stupidest people ever.

Oops.

Sorry. This story makes me kind of angry. OK, kind of very angry. You don’t get to send your biological kid back. Why do adopted kids have a return policy? I realize that disruptions (that’s what they call it when an adoption doesn’t work out) happen, but in my mind there is no return policy. There is nothing my children can do that would make me cease to be their parent, cease loving them, cease fighting for them. I may need a ton of help, I may need a radical shift in my expectation of what life is going to be like, but I’m not sending a kid back. That goes for the adopted kids as well as the biological kids.

This is why I love Children’s Home Society, the agency we used to adopt Milo. They have an incredible post-placement program to help adoptive families deal with whatever issues come up. The adopted family that sent their kid back to Russia never asked their agency for help. I haven’t heard why yet, but that’s what you do in this situation. You get help.

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Adoption, Family

Addicted to Family Photos

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I’m kind of addicted to family pictures. I’m approaching 20,000 pictures in my Flickr account. 7,000 of those feature Lexi and 2,000 feature Milo. Those ridiculous numbers are thanks to the digital photography era, but my addiction goes beyond merely snapping new digital pics.

In 2007 I brought my scanner to Thanksgiving with the intention of scanning some of my Grandma’s historic family photos. In addition I raided my parents’ collection of family photos and scanned more than 500 images. A couple weeks ago I finally finished cropping, sorting and uploading them (in order to speed up the scanning process I just slapped as many photos as would fit on the scanner and scanned them, opting to go back later to crop them and label them—who knew that process would take two and a half years?). I haven’t even started going through my Grandma’s family pictures.

Why do I like family photos so much? I don’t know. I do know that I love seeing the same picture with many years in between:

Like the first and last day of school photos, taken in the front hall of our house, separated by only 13 years of education, dorkiness and new linoleum (but the same wallpaper):
First Day of School: KindergartenHigh School Graduation 1997

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Adoption, Family

We’re Adopting! (Again)

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My wife already broke the news, but now it’s my turn: We’re adopting. Again. We’re not exactly sure what or where or how or when, but we’re starting the adoption process. At this point we’re actually leaning towards adopting older kids through the Minnesota Waiting Child program. We went to an informational meeting last week and we signed up for a required training class at the end of the month (which they describe as trying to scare you out of the program).

I don’t want to say we’ve decided anything for sure (the training may just scare us away), but we’re definitely leaning in that direction. We’ve been having lots of conversations about adopting older kids and what that means and what ages and how many and all of that. We’ve been talking to Lexi about it (Milo doesn’t seem to have an opinion on the subject) and she was initially very set on having a sister. Though this morning she told me we could have a baby in Milo’s crib because there’s room, we could have two kids in the basement bedroom, one kid could sleep on the bottom of Lexi’s bunk bed and another could sleep in the bed with Abby and I. Then Lexi told me I can just sleep in a sleeping bag to make room for more kids.

Despite Lexi’s plans I doubt we’ll be adopting five children.

It’s not easy and it’s never simple, but I love adoption. I love the hope it offers, the second chance it gives and the way it changes me. I like the idea of creating a family through adoption, taking multiple stories of brokenness and creating something new and full of grace. Not to discount the pain and loss involved on many sides, because that’s very real and has equally real consequences, but I’m kind of an insufferable optimist. I don’t like that adoption is necessary because that means hurt and brokenness has happened and nobody wants that. But if those are the chips we’re dealt, I guess I’m the kind of person who would rather pick them up and put them back together again. It’s not about rescuing children or saving them like some kind of hero. Adoption should be a last resort. It’s about giving these kids what they deserve.

Babies are great. But I don’t think we’re going back there again. At the same time our family isn’t complete. I don’t know what this looks like and how it all comes together, but I’m excited to find out.

Children, Family

Milo: One Year Later

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On the Plane!A year ago today we boarded a plane in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and returned home with our son, Milo. Our 19-month adoption journey had finally come to an end.

He’s looking pretty wide-eyed and freaked out in the picture, probably because he threw up an entire bottle all over Abby shortly after we took this picture. Yeah, nothing like gearing up for an 18-hour flight with that soaking into everything. All the burp rags we brought for the entire flight were instantly soaked.

Of course if that’s the only complaint you have on a crowded transatlantic flight, consider yourself lucky. We did. Aside from the gag reflex, we were sitting in the bulkhead seats with plenty of leg room and a bassinet for Milo. It doesn’t get much better than that.

A lot changes in a year.

I Got a BallToday Milo is an amazing little goofball. He loves to laugh, be tickled and throw things down the stairs. Seriously, he emptied the entire contents of our old Tupperware drawer down the basement stairs today. We’ve now designated it the Milo drawer and stopped storing the Tupperware we actually use in there.

He wanders the house with a random spoon or fork in his hand. The cloth diapers we use as burp rags are his teddy bear—he won’t sleep without one. The other night he was crying and I came down to comfort him.  I picked up the burp rag he’d thrown out of his crib and gave it back to him, but before I could reach over to pick him up he’d rolled over with the rag and fallen back asleep. I stood there in shock, expecting him to start crying again, but he was out.

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Family

Last Day of 2009

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It’s the end of 2009 already? Sheesh. I’m old.

I love the holidays for the chance to do a lot of nothing. This year’s nothing seemed like it came and went faster than normal. And I don’t feel like I did enough nothing.

Christmas always feels like a month-long blur, and this year was no different. Our Thanksgiving in Kansas plans changed at the last minute and we spent Thanksgiving in Green Bay and then Christmas in Kansas. And our Christmas in Kansas plans were moved up at the last minute and we ended up taking the dogs with us, which is always one extra thing to worry about. But it’s probably good we left a day earlier and avoided becoming one of the many cars I saw in the ditch (and especially glad I didn’t become one of the three rollovers I saw in the ditch). And our lack of New Year’s plans turned into a last minute pizza party in the backage claim with our good friends during their three hour layover.

I’m sensing a last minute theme to the 2009 holiday-palooza. I guess that’s how we roll.

Family, Internet

Oh No! My Mom’s on Facebook

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Tonight it finally happened. My mom joined Facebook. And friended me.

I’ve been friended by my mother. Now I know how everyone feels.

Once the initial shock faded I approved that friend request and heartily (and somewhat jokingly) welcomed my mother into the world of Facebook.

The idea of children being embarrassed of their parents online is kind of funny. I get it. I think what’s behind all of it is the false sense of privacy that we have online. We have this sense that somehow certain people aren’t seeing what we’re saying online, that this is our own unique space. The problem with that is that it’s just not true. No matter how protected you think you are, whatever you do or say online is public knowledge. You have no expectation of privacy (or you shouldn’t).
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Adoption, Children, Family

Milo’s Day in Court

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Day in CourtWe got up early today and went to the Dakota County Courthouse to officially finalize Milo’s adoption in the United States. This is one of the steps in the finalization process and is essentially the United States government recognizing the adoption, granting us official parenthood, officially changing Milo’s name and issuing all the important paperwork of citizenship. We were already officially Milo’s parents, but this gives him a Minnesota birth certificate and then we can apply for proof of citizenship and a Social Security card. Plus, we can claim Milo on our taxes. In some ways today was just a formality, but it is an important legal step and was pretty exciting.

We’ve heard that most judges love doing adoptions, and in our case it was no different. Judge Richard Spicer greeted us at the probate window and talked to Lexi while we were checking in. During the hearing he read over our home study and asked us a few basic questions, more or less getting to know us and making sure everything was in order.

Lexi talked pretty much the entire time, pausing only to spin her office chair. Judge Spicer thought it was hilarious and near the end when he was making the official decree he said, “based on the evidence I’ve heard today—or tried to hear—I officially pronounce…”

It was quick and easy and actually went by in a blur. I went with the ellipses above because I can’t even remember exactly how he said it. While we were taking the pictures—something Judge Spicer seemed very excited to do—Lexi apparently exclaimed, “We’re a family!” I must have been so wrapped up in the moment I didn’t even hear it. Abby told me about it while we were having our celebratory breakfast at Keys.

We still have some paperwork to file and pay for (you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not—it truly never ends) that will get Milo proof of citizenship and a Social Security card, but we’re almost there. This process has taken over two years now (we started in August 2007) and it’s so good to be nearing the end. Thanks for everybody’s help and support!

Family, Personal Pics

Family Photo Shoot

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Hendricks Family Photo ShootWay back in June we did a family photo shoot with Barbara O’Brien at her White Robin Farm in Wisconsin. It was a beautiful drive out there (I think I missed a turn and took a longer, more scenic detour) and we had a lot of fun doing a relaxed, non-studio family photo shoot. And I finally got around to posting the pictures: Check ’em out.

When we pulled up and got out of the car Lexi was all excited about the few cats milling about the yard. Then Barbara started calling the cats and they just started pouring out of the barn. She has at least 25 cats, and most of them came when she started calling.

In addition to the cats, Lexi chased the chickens, fed the horses and held a baby duck (she also manhandled the kittens and baby chicks). We got to run around, have some fun and the whole time Barbara took lots of pictures.

We highly recommend it.