Category Archives: Introspection

Birthplace of Apathy

Have you ever had one of those days where you look back and it doesn’t seem like it happened? Nothing important stands out and the day just kind of washes together as a big nothing. The morning feels like last month and the afternoon feels like last week. It wasn’t necessarily a long day, just a rather odd day. At least it’s Friday, I can now sleep the oddness away. I think I’ve found the birthplace of apathy.

Prayer is a Conversation with a Friend

High above a nearly full moon lights up the night sky, a round white ball in the middle of the emptiness. As I stand there and wait, things begin to slow down and I can actually see. My eyes watch as the gray puffs of clouds roll across the black tapestry. Frowning, I see that they’re about to block my view of the moon. But as they slowly move past, the glowing orb isn’t lost in a cloudy haze. It shines on, despite the foggy covering. It glows just as brightly as it did before. I look again, thinking my eyes deceive me and that the moon is below the clouds. But the clouds are passing in front of the moon, and its silvery glow is shining through as if the clouds weren’t even there.

Continue reading Prayer is a Conversation with a Friend

Going for a Walk

Have you ever had something so immense to deal with that you just don’t know what to do? Your fingers are trembling, your stomach feels twisted in knots, and there’s a large lump in your throat that can only be your heart. You don’t know what to do, what to think, what to say, or how to react in any way. You just want to run out the door and out into the street and scream. You want to do something so bizarre, as if you were in a movie. Just go out the door and take a walk, even if it’s midnight, and walk until the sun rises. Do something odd, bizarre, and totally out of character because you’ve just undergone such a shock that you don’t know what to do.

Yeah, well I’m going for a walk.

(for those worried about my psychological state, don’t worry, I’ll be fine)

Talking to a Brick Wall

Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall? I talk about my day, and they don’t seem to care. I talk about how I feel, and they just ignore me. Maybe they didn’t hear me. Hello? I ask a question and they don’t answer. So I ask again, and they don’t answer. I ask a third time and no answer. Why am I being ignored? You’re not supposed to be a brick wall. When someone puts their heart on the line, at the least you acknowledge it. You don’t ignore it. I can only hope I’m not being heard, because I just don’t understand. Have I done something wrong? Or is this just the way things are going? I certainly hope not, because my heart is growing bitter, building its own brick wall. And that’s the last thing I want to do. Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall? It hurts.

Soul of Letters

I have a boat in the western ocean, / I have a dream in the Irish sea. / I have found that I will never have anything until I have nothing of me.

I have light in the darkness, / I have a notion of eternity. / I have a friend his name is Jesus. / Oh I have life and I’m free. / And I’m comin’ around oh Lord, Lord I’m comin’ around. / Oh I’m coming around Lord I’m comin’ around.

(portions of a song by Ben Kyle called “Soul of Letters”)

[listen closer… look deeper… squint…]

Continue reading Soul of Letters

When No One is Watching

What secret lies transpire in the hidden rooms of your heart? What do you do behind closed doors, in empty rooms, when no one is watching? Who do you hate? What kind of a wretched person are you when no one is around to watch you be good? What can you get away with? If no one will ever know, is everything all right? But someone is watching and knows every secret action, word, and thought. You thought you were all alone, but someone was watching, shedding a silent tear for your misgivings.

Across the Ocean, the Moon and Hosea

Today I had a conversation with someone on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. How bizarre is it that I can converse with someone so far away? It would take days for me to even drive to the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, and I’d only be half the distance to this friend. Yet through some phone lines we can exchange lines of text. It’s amazing when you really think about it.

Speaking of amazing, while I was walking to class tonight, the sky looked beautiful. The night sky was a crisp midnight blue (yet it was only 6:30, oh the irony) and the tiny crescent of a moon lit up the expanse. You could still see the rest of the moon, a dark form hiding behind the brightness of the white sliver. To the lower right of the orb was a brilliant pin prick of light, and again to the lower right was another bright dot of white. One of them had to be a planet, but I certainly couldn’t identify it.

I feel kind of bad for the really weak ponderings lately, so I present you with this absurd thought from my devotions the other day. It comes from the tenth chapter of Hosea. I’m totally taking it out of context, and even skipping a sentence or two–but it still makes you wonder. We never think that God would bring the judgment he unleashed on Israel to his church today, but you never know. He over turned tables in the Jewish courts, why do we think we’re safe from his anger? It may be totally out of context and not a proper reading of the passage, but it can still be a call to wake up.

“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength… Thus it will happen to you, O Bethel, because your wickedness is great.” (Hosea 10:12-13, 15 NIV)

Complain and Bicker

Complain, complain, complain. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Sarcasm. Cynicism. Little, tiny annoyances. Differences. Flaws. Stereotypes. I put you in a box and you put me in another. The lines are drawn. You stay over there, and I’ll stay over here. Our societies are splintered. Our communities are divided. What I feel is important. What I want is important. What is different from me, what is not what I want, is wrong. I am important. I am number one. You are secondary. Is this how we are called to live? Then why is it the predominant attitude? Why don’t I look out for someone else?

Slow Down

You know what? We need to slow down. So many times we just live life at our hurried pace and never stop to smell the roses. Or something cheesy like that. But it’s true. This weekend I was reminded of real beauty as I just gazed into my girlfriend’s eyes. The colors were just amazing. So many times we just don’t notice the things worth noticing. For an hour this weekend I just sat on the couch starring. My eyes shifted between my sleeping girlfriend in my lap and the sun shining across a field of snow as it set outside the window. Two astounding creations of God. And do we ever stop to notice? Not often enough, not often enough.