A long laborious lament of a day and I wonder when it will end. I’ve been chasing my shadow all day long, trying to stay on top of it all, fearing the dreadful fall to the bottom, wondering just how I’m supposed to do anything. It’s only the second week, and I can’t help but wonder if it will continue indefinitely. I feel as though I’m in the crucible, and I’m not so sure anymore just how I’ll come out of the fire. It’s just so late and there’s so much to do and I just get by. But will it really be that bad if I don’t get by? I can’t help but wonder sometimes. Perhaps I need to relax and let it hang out. I don’t have to have it all just right. Sometimes you need to be a little sloppy.

Movies of death and dreariness fill my evening, and I wish I had time to process it all. One tries to deal with tragedy with a laugh. It was self-sacrifice, but in the end it triumphed. I’m not too sure where the other movie was going, but as the song grows louder in the background I just want to go higher and I lose my point.

What was I talking about? And I had such a good streak of insightful thoughts. It’s times like these that all I can do is place my hope in the fact that there’s something higher. A place where blind men see. A place with golden streets. Just take me higher and let this weary busyness fall away. Can you take me higher? (my apologies to Creed)

Why do we always have to have an opinion? Why is it so hard to admit we’re wrong? The other day my roommates and I were talking about the presidential elections, and one of them told us about a web site where you could take a survey and it would tell you which presidential candidate most closely matched your views and give you some general statistics on your answers and how they relate to the candidates. We all took the survey and were comparing our results. I had to admit that my results probably weren’t too accurate because I didn’t know anything about half the issues I was asked about. Sure, I knew of the issue. I’d heard some rhetoric from both sides, but I didn’t have a clue what the issue was really about. It’s just now dawning on me since I’m old enough to vote that I should know about this stuff. I can’t help but wonder how many other Americans are in my boat. Yet what percentage won’t admit they don’t know anything?

It’s like living in a box when we pretend we know everything. When I was in high school I was an adamant Christian rock listener. I didn’t understand why any Christian would want to listen to the radio or any secular music for that matter. I was so closed minded I never even considered the thought. Since coming to college I’ve been blown away. Nearly all of my roommates are U2 fans, and I’ve been amazed at the power of their music. Not only that, but you could easily argue that some of U2’s songs are expressing Christian ideals–an idea that was completely foreign to me in high school. Recently I’ve been too lazy to take my CD cartridge to my truck and I’ve been listening to the radio. A favorite song of mine has been Creed’s “Higher.” I just liked the way the song sounded. Tonight I decided to learn more about the band. So I checked out their web page and actually read the lyrics to “Higher.” I couldn’t stop there. I read the lyrics to half the songs on their newest CD. I was amazed at the Christian themes that kept coming up. All my life a lack of knowledge has lead me to think secular music is trash. But that’s only because I was being completely narrow minded. Some of it is trash. But there’s also some very powerful and insightful music out there. Maybe it’s time we start admitting we don’t know it all and broaden our horizons.

College age minstrels, playing the songs of their hearts. He closes his eyes and strums his guitar, his body swaying to the music. I close my eyes to listen, leaning forward. The others around me are oblivious. A girl tells jokes to her friend, another catches up on lost time. Sometimes I don’t understand, and I try to filter out the noise. Later that night a song ends and the silence pervades. It lingered for a moment, the crowd afraid to disrupt the moment with applause. That’s when you know it’s right.

Today I came face to face with a certain dilemma. Whether you know it or not you have an organized priority list for all of your beliefs. Some of them are worth dying for, others are not. Your belief in the superiority of Macintosh computers, for example, is not an extremely important belief. You learn to live with those who don’t care too much for Macs. However, you also believe that forgiveness through Jesus Christ is the only way to eternal life. That is an important belief, and one you might even give your life for. In between is an expansive list of beliefs that range in importance. Some are central to Christian belief. Others are mere opinion. Some have set the boundaries between denominations. Beliefs over the sacraments–communion and baptism would be two fine examples. But other beliefs aren’t nearly as important. I believe eating breakfast every day is good for you and important. But among my roommates I’m the minority, and we all seem to live with that. At my church back home, rock ‘n roll wasn’t looked on too favorably. But despite our differences in belief, I managed to serve in that church without too much trouble.

The dilemma I faced today was how important are some of those minor beliefs? Someone told me that my view point was fundamentally opposed to their view point, and therefore we couldn’t work together–all based on a minor point of belief, similar to me liking breakfast. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I dropped my defenses and decided to stop arguing over the minor belief. Neither of us was going to give any ground, and I didn’t see the point in debating. But I explained this simple idea in some situations you need to agree to disagree. I’m not too sure how they’ll take that. I’m still waiting for an answer. It seems sadly quiet that few people understand this concept today. Everyone has their own opinion, and I’m always right, darn it. I don’t really care what your opinion is, and frankly I don’t have to listen to it, or put up with it. It’s not a very friendly philosophy, is it? Seems to slam doors in people’s faces and create a vast hall of narrow mindedness. But then again, maybe that’s just my opinion.

Sometimes I feel like I need all the answers. I have to have everything settled in my mind before I can act. Otherwise I’ll be stepping forward unsure of myself. Questions, doubts, and fears will reign. But I don’t think that’s always true. If that’s the case then I’ll be waiting forever. I’m beginning to realize that part of life is dealing with those questions, doubts and fears, coming to grips with them, struggling with them. Not simply holding back and trying to answer them. But flying in their face and finding out what the answer is. To do otherwise would be to not really live. There is a time to wait; a time to question, a time to doubt and a time to fear. There is also a time to act. A time to answer. A time to be sure. And a time to be brave. Sometimes life is a risk, and if you’re not willing to risk, then you’re not willing to live.

Dreams and memories come and go, rise and fall, shine and fade away. I have so many thoughts, so many desires, so many experiences, but only so much time. It’s always the walk back to my dorm that draws inspiration. And it should. The quiet, peaceful night. The chill of the night air. Every light is out, except for the night owls. A rabbit scampers off. This is what I experience before I sit to write these thoughts. As I walk the feelings of the day fall away, I shed them like a cocoon, and prepare for that blissful sleep, when all will be forgotten until the cloudy haze of tomorrow comes rushing back into my nostrils and my eyes open like almond slivers, wondering what time it is and why I can’t sleep another five minutes.

What do you expect from me? You come here occasionally, sometimes daily, looking to glean a little slice of thought. Why do I always have to be the one to think? I stare blankly into the screen at 1:07 in the morning, wondering why the screen stares so blankly back at me. I’m not a brilliant guy. I don’t know it all. I don’t have the answers, and I certainly don’t pretend to. Yet you keep coming back, presumably to see what I have to say. Am I that profound? Or is it just fun to see what’s on my mind? Do I actually stimulate your thinking? Or are you just bored, looking for something to amuse your eyes while you eat your breakfast? Sometime I can’t help but wonder what the point is. For me it’s a selfish reason, I need to think, I need to write. So here it is. But what about you? Why do you come here? Do you have anything to say? Sometimes I wish I could here it. Here the thoughts that echo in your mind at the end of the day. Would you ramble on about something that ticked you off? Or would you ask a puzzling question and saunter off to bed? Or maybe you’d tell a little tale, adding in a few rhymes and have yourself some fun. What would you do if they were your thoughts? Would you even open them for the whole world to read? Would you speak in cryptic tones that border on poetic insanity, or would you lay it out cold? Sometimes I just sit here and wonder, when I should really just go to bed.

The days blur together and the blessed night finally comes. The night children look forward to all year long: Christmas Eve. I’m twenty now, and somehow it doesn’t seem so magical. The family traditions have been forgotten, I don’t even stay up as late as I can so I’ll be tired and immediately fall asleep. Now I have other things on my mind, other worries, other concerns, other joys. The ripping of wrapping paper doesn’t bring monumental change.

So what does the future hold, Lord? Tonight Santa rides the clouds, satisfying wants across the country. In another week the tension will build as we all find out if there’s any reason Y2Kare. Then the holiday season ends, and it’s back to the usual. I know that He holds all in his hands, and I have nothing to fear. But you can’t help wondering. How’s it all going to work out.

And I’ve noticed from skipping these thoughts the past several days, my thoughts don’t quite pull together as nicely as they used to. I answered an email today, telling the person my one desire is to make him think. Perhaps I need to do more of that myself. Now that I’m home for break, I don’t have my roommate pestering me to write my daily thoughts. He’ll be glad to know he’s influential.

I do know the one thing I want for Christmas. I’ll probably be disappointed. But I want a white Christmas. I want lots of snow. Maybe I’ll get it before the year’s end.

Merry Christmas. And to all, a good night.

Sometimes I sit in my seat and wonder at it all. The tiny blue dot, chockfull of six billion people, floating through the unending empty blackness of space with no particular place to go. Six billion people, all with their own agendas, their own lives, their own worries, their own dreams–all hoping in someone or something, or maybe even in nothing at all. They are a speck of sand on the beach, unnoticed by the other 5,999,999,999 people and completely insignificant in the limitlessness of space. They each have their own goals. They put their hope in friends or money or power. Some search for good times, ultimate thrills, or a cozy place. Some look for acceptance, love, belonging. Some just sit quietly in the dirt, content with their lot, waiting for time to pass and life to finally leave them. Some have big plans that never really amount to anything, inflated dreams that simply float away, never realized, never actualized, never attained. Some just save themselves the trouble and don’t bother dreaming. Some would rather stay safely at home, where things never change, never get old, and never have to readjust. Some look to the stars, and some look to technology. Some look to themselves, and some look to others. But in this cosmic search of life, it seems odd to me that so few come to understand their futile hunt–they journey their entire lives and never really get anywhere. It’s just one rite of passage after another and life continues on, hardly even interrupted, hardly noticing the change, hardly noticing that what once the goal is now fleeting, and that a new, even more unattainable goal has taken its place. The journey is circular. Around and around in a downward spiral, falling farther and farther into the great unknown. People have a deep desire within them to find something. They usually don’t know what they’re looking for, but they keep looking anyway. If only they could stop. Realize the answers to their questions. Enjoy new life, and new hope.

Some days I like to dream. I like to dream about interesting ideas, histories that might have been, and future possibilities. What would the world be like if we actually valued nature over dollars and cents? Will the American love affair with the automobile ever end, or will it continue to be the epitome of consumerism and individualism. Is space man’s new territory to explore and colonize? What will life be like with colonies on the moon and Mars? Will famine, poverty and war still exist? What about my future? Will I follow the rank and file? Or will I step out and be someone different? Will I walk to work through the blowing piles of snow because of my value system? Crunch crunch, crunch crunch, crunch crunch. Something about that appeals to me. Some days you just need to ask what if, and ponder the possibilities.

It’s 2:17 and I’m wide awake. Sometimes you just have to wonder what’s going on.