This summer I’ve joined the paid working class (as opposed to last summer when I joined the slave intern caste) and am working the typical 9 to 5 desk job. Typical 9 to 5 with your commute. Luckily traffic isn’t too bad, but it’s still a 20-30 minute drive. I’ve quickly discovered that by the time you get home have dinner and clean up, it’s 7:00. You have three hours to “play” and then it’s 10:00 and you need to seriously start thinking about bed. By 11:00 I’m usually in bed or on my way. That’s only three hours of time to spend however I want. How pathetic is that? I suppose you also have your weekends, but who wants to endure 9 to 5, Monday through Friday drudgery just to look forward to the weekend? I guess it’s really teaching me the value of finding a job you like. Living for three hours each day is kind of pointless.

The other day I overheard a child in passing. He was explaining to his friend what he had to do that afternoon. The only coherent part I caught was that from 4:30 until 5:00 he was going to be bored. Scheduled boredom. I long for that.

I don’t comb my hair anymore and I wear baggy thrift store jeans and a faded leather jacket left over from high school. I am a college student. But the reality of life is beginning to set in; loan payments, rent, a real job. Homework and extensions and class will soon be a thing of the past. I can’t help but wonder and ask if this is what it’s all about. I flip through the classifieds wondering when I’ll find that one with my name, the one tailor made just for me. It’s only late at night when the campus grows quiet and the buzz of the caffeine wears off that I realize there won’t be a position with my name on it. I’ll have to make do and I’ll have to live with it. I may have to resort to a plan b or a plan c. But I so wish I could sit back in my thrift store jeans, read about zen and motorcycle maintenance, watch a causeless rebel and wonder if I have a cause. I want to find that cause and live for it, put the tie away for another day and another man’s money. Fight for that cause that stirs the passions in my heart and actually make a living on that. But there’s no listing in the classifieds for a dreamer, or a rebel, or a kid with ideas. They all want 1-2 years of experience in something I didn’t do, a degree in something I didn’t study, or knowledge of something I just don’t know. Can I walk away with a liberal arts degree and become a custodian? I could have done that three years ago and be $60,000 better for the deal. Something about it all just makes me wonder and I throw my arms in the air. I know there’s a description I can fill, I know there’s an answer, I know there’ll be a paycheck in the mail. But right now it just isn’t very clear. Life isn’t very easy and I’m following my road of American rites of passage. It’s like following the rabbit, and right now I just don’t believe there’s a forest between the trees.

Today was Fall Break, so we had no classes. I spent the entire day writing HTML for ReALMagazine.com. Did you see the new student art section? You should check it out.

A whole day spend excavating in cyberspace, building a site bigger, more pictures, more text, more users. What’s it all for? I could have taken a vacation this weekend. But I didn’t. It’s all based on the hope that God can use this humble little page. Use it to work in people’s hearts. To open doors. To build dreams. To push hearts to where they so need to be. To help people look up and see the beauty of another day. To make people turn up the radio and smile again. To have them sit down at the computer, and stand a changed person. That’s the point. That’s why I gave up my three day weekend. At least that’s my favorite reason. Pride, glory, satisfaction, ego–they all dance inside my head. I hope they have nothing to do with this site. Am I so naive in thinking they won’t? Can God purify my motives and work in spite of my pride? I can only pray that he can, and will.

What do you hope in? What do you count on? Is it your friends? Your job? Your car? Possessions? Be careful what you hope in, because there’s nothing in this world that can’t be yanked out from beneath you. Happy thought, huh? But it’s true. That cushy job? Don’t count on it always being there. Your hard work finally paying off? Something can always go wrong. That’s just the pessimist in me lashing out, isn’t it? Perhaps, but I’m trying to warn you. When whatever you hope in falls apart, it leaves you empty and lost. I worked hard this summer, and a lot of it’s not amounting to anything. I had a lot of hope in that, and now it’s crashing down around me. Lesson? Don’t put your hopes in the things of this world. If you trust God to take care of everything, and don’t rely on your current state of affairs, you’ll never have that lonely, sinking feeling dragging you down.

And even when things don’t seem to be amounting to anything, don’t count ’em out. I’ve often noticed that God has an ace up his sleeve.

A grimace of pain clouds his face.

A child’s simple smile as she looks over her shoulder, being dragged along by a parent in a hurry.

An unexpected yet extremely welcome gift from less than an acquaintance.

One friendly face in a sea of thousands.

A common occupation draws strangers together as music and a toy cross culture and language barriers.

A woman in wheel chair, pushing with every ounce of strength in her just to get across the street.

These are my days, snippets and snapshots from a sea of memories, pictures of an adventure in the city, learning what it’s like to be alive and what it really means to be a person.