Publication is Shit

“You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people that you do.” (Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, page 22)

So we’re at war. Life seems to be barreling ahead whether I stop to reflect upon it or not. And I was doing so good there for a few days. Okay, want to know a secret? I really wasn’t writing for several days in a row. I just wrote once, and broke up those thoughts over different days so it looked I was a responsible blogger. Pretty sneaky, huh? It’s so easy to mislead.

So what’s been going on? Houses. Jobs. Not having either. Snow camp happened. I survived. A trip to Green Bay happened. I survived. My job hunt has oscillated from hoping to find something to hoping I don’t find something so I can write my first great American novel. The pipe dream takes over and I sadistically hope a sudden bout of unemployment will bring it all to fruition. As if a book would solve all my woes. I started re-reading Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird this week to regain the proper perspective. “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it,” (Lamott again, page 218–and no I haven’t finished the book already, I just skipped to the end and read the underlined parts).

Publication is shit. That’s what I tell myself. Obviously it has some practical value. If some sucker never published your work you’d never get paid the piles of pennies that you do. But it really is just piles of pennies. The average writer makes about $10,000 on a book. That’s it. You’d have to pump out three to four books a year just to maintain a lower-middle class lifestyle. Louis L’Amour could barely pull that off.

So I keep telling myself my first great American novel won’t solve my upcoming unemployment. It’s not a wise solution. Even if it did have a big pay off, I’d have to write the stupid thing first. And I’m not exactly experienced at that. In the years since high school, when I thought my short stories were good, I’ve let my fiction skills atrophy a bit, and I’m not sure if they could handle a freakin’ novel. The last short story I cranked out required a class deadline, plenty of caffeine, a sacrificed Saturday evening, and Radiohead at full volume. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience. And that was only a six-page short story.

But I’ll plow ahead anyway. I have this idea in my head. It’s actually dangerous to say this here. Every time I mention here that I have this idea it dies a slow and painful death of neglect. It’s as if broadcasting the idea to the entire world creates expectation and expectation equals death. World, meet my idea. Idea, meet–oh crap, it’s dead. Nevermind.

Maybe I’ll overcome it by telling you nothing about my idea. It’s just an idea. Let’s leave it at that. It’ll probably require a caffeine-induced Saturday evening of Radiohead just to keep the idea on life support for all the hype it’s already received. But I plan to pursue that idea. I want to chase it down. I want to pursue it and see if it does have something worth the hype. I want to follow the idea, pursue the dream, and see if I can’t actually write a novel. I love to write. I want to write. I yearn to write. Who else would be sitting at their computer on a Friday night, ignoring friends and family, just to type some stupid reflections on life that no one really cares about? You have to like writing to subject your life to public scrutiny for four years straight for the sheer thrill of it. It’s not like anybody ever follows that little support link up there to see what that’s all about. This thing has no rewards. Except for the sole satisfaction of writing. And amazingly enough I keep coming back for that and that alone.

So you see, I have to write a book. At some point in my life I’m going to have to do it. It may be the suckiest novel that ever sucked, and I’ll bury it in the backyard, but I’ll have written it. Anne Lamott suggests writing shitty first drafts, and I want to write the shittiest first draft of all shitty first drafts. Let’s just hope I have the guts for round two.

I think that’s enough for “today.”

War Coverage

I’m finding myself sadistically drawn to the war coverage. Here’s some thought provoking (if left-leaning) articles:

Bush Is an Idiot, But He Was Right About Saddam – from salon.com premium (free if you watch a short commercial) – Interesting interview with an author who has overly harsh words for Bush (he’s more concerned with how Bush presents his case) but overall support for the war in Iraq. Very interesting thoughts on Islam as a worldwide force. The interviewer shows a lot of their bias.

“A” Day (that will live in infamy) – from salon.com premium (free if you watch a short commercial) – Interesting analysis of the war as reality TV. Seems a little too anti-war biased, but so does most of salon.com.

Military Promises Huge Numbers for Gulf War II: The Vengeance – from the Onion (which means it’s a joke, mom)

A War Broke Out Today

So war broke out. It took me an extra half-hour to get home on the bus today, thanks to the protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Hurrah to your anti-war efforts, you inconvenienced a few thousand poor schmucks. I hope that helps your cause. You could certainly use some help. Someone ought to explain to the poor fools in San Francisco that when you’re arguing for peace, violence is not a very persuasive tool.

Extreme nutcases aside, I’m having trouble understanding the anti-war movement. Now I’m not a pro-military guy. You’ve probably noticed the big feature on the book Iraq Under Siege on the ReALMagazine.com homepage. I wrote that. It’s a bit out of date now, but it’s still interesting. I read the book with some skepticism, but came out with a lot of questions about U.S. policy. Granted Saddam is not a great guy, but we’re no Ghandi.

I have my reservations with war. My selective service card is tucked away somewhere, and if that number was ever called up, I don’t know what I’d do. I would have trouble shooting at my fellow man. My grandpa fought at Iwo Jima, and I respect his sacrifice, but I still approach war with fear, hesitation, and questions, much to the irritation of my own dad.

But despite my aversion to war, I’m just as put off by the anti-war demonstrators. Their complete lack of logic, balance, and inability to present a decent argument are astounding. I can see a legitimate anti-war platform, but I’ve yet to see a protester argue that platform.

They spout off rhetoric about Bush trying to rule the world, trying to run a race war in the Middle East, trying to claim all the oil in Iraq. What a load of crap. The only argument there that has any validity is that the war has to do with oil. It’s fairly legit to think that oil is a motivation. But if Bush was really oil hungry, would he really be promising to use the oil for the Iraqis, to let them have what’s theirs. If it was really about oil, we’d be seizing the oil fields, selling the oil, and paying for our war. But that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening. If anything, oil is a way to pay for rebuilding the damage a war has caused and a way to get a liberated people back on their feet, a motivation that doesn’t exactly exist in a place like Sudan.

Many people are arguing that we shouldn’t be fighting this war because we don’t have international consensus. That’s a decent argument–though I don’t see any protesters chanting about that. The problem with international consensus is that it’s rare. This conflict has dragged on for a long time, and at some point you have to draw the line.

War is not a pretty thing, but it’s inevitable. That doesn’t mean we have to like it or even pursue it, but it does mean that it’s going to happen. We can do everything we can to avoid it, but it will happen. Especially if you value freedom, war is necessary. So many people find it ironic that war is what enables the protesters to protest war. Without the American Revolution, we wouldn’t have the first amendment that gives us the right to petition our government. Without World War II, we might be under Nazi rule. And I don’t think fascism looks too kindly on a ‘puke-in.’

There’s a lot of tough questions the anti-war movement needs to address, and I see very few addressing it. What about Hitler? They tried diplomacy with Hitler and he invaded Poland. What about the terrible things Saddam has done? Do we just ignore those? True, we ignore other terrible things around the world and we end up enforcing justice inconsistently. I agree. But is it better to stop the one massacre you can than to let it happen? True, we often make big mistakes, like selling someone like Saddam chemical weapons. I think we should fess up to them and try to make smarter decisions in the future. U.S foreign policy is fraught with some big blunders. I’m the first to point those out. They make me nervous. But sometimes those blunders were an attempt to keep something worse from happening. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Meddling in El Salvador didn’t come off too well. But taking out the Taliban in Afghanistan seems like a no-brainer.

Sometimes I just wish America would be the world’s police and do it right. Stop the bloodshed in Rwanda and Sudan. End the guerrilla fighting and drug wars in Columbia. But it’s not that simple. I wish it was.

True Christian pacifism is an interesting idea. Jesus talked about peace, and so some Christians think that’s the way to go. The Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr. approach that turns the other cheek. You love your enemies, and that doesn’t happen with smart bombs. It’s a great personal philosophy, but I get squeamish when you have to think about nations. I can decide to be non-violent, and take a punch in the gut when it happens. But when it comes to a nation, if you don’t defend yourself, innocent people die. If a nation turns the other cheek, trades flowers for bullets, eats pastries for peace, you have no more freedom. You become a country in occupation. Maybe that’s okay for some people. It works for Switzerland. But I have a feeling most of us freedom-loving Americans would be shot by the invading army pretty quickly. We’d want to speak out, to say what we want, do what we want, and they’d kill you. That’s what turning the other cheek gets you. Loving your enemies is not compatible with freedom. You have to fight for freedom in this world. We can have freedom in Christ, but it’s more of a personal commodity that bears fruit on the other side.

So I’m not liking the anti-war protesters. I sympathize with them, but I wish they’d make some decent arguments. I wish they’d address the real issues. This world is a complicated place, and it doesn’t work to just say can’t we all get along. Because some jerk comes along who doesn’t want to get along, and pretty soon people are dead. You can either stand up and make sure that innocent people don’t die, or you can hold up your hands and be willing to die along with them. On a personal level, one sounds a lot like Jesus. But nations are different, and I’ve never seen that kind of a Christian nation.

It would be interesting to see America the Christian nation, as in the country that makes every effort to be Christ-like, even in the way we wage war (can there be a Christian way to wage war?). But maybe that’s what we’re doing. A “smart bomb” that lands on target more often than a conventional bomb and hopefully destroys the military target more often that it destroys a civilian target seems like a humane advancement. Moving in with humanitarian supplies seems like a Christ-like move.

Maybe it would help if our government made better choices across the board. If we got tough with countries like China that don’t offer freedom of religion. If we stuck up for the fatherless, the widow, and the orphan all across the globe. The prophet cried out for justice to flow down like a mighty water, and maybe that can’t happen until God steps down onto this earth, but aren’t we called to bring justice now, in whatever way we can? We’re certainly not God’s henchmen, and we shouldn’t claim to be, but some things are pretty clear cut. Mowing down your own people is not justice, and that’s a worthy fight.

Oh, the rambling. Sometimes I find myself easily swayed by arguments. Last week I was angry when someone was so incredibly Republican that they refused to see the duplicity in American foreign policy. I don’t like war hawks. But this week I’m angry at the protesters who don’t see the necessity of war in a modern world. There’s a shaky middle ground somewhere, and that’s where I find myself. Raising a flag for peace is a lovely gesture, but it’s also an idealistic one.

Demolition of a Landmark

I used to walk past the Minneapolis Public Library twice a day. Now it’s a pile of rubble with one remaining shell that will probably be gone in days. They’re tearing down the old building to put in some new fancy one.

I’ve been able to watch the progress as they go. They spent a lot of time inside the building, ripping everything out. I watched one day as a Bobcat shattered every window on the third floor and then ripped out the window frame. The claw on the end of the Bobcat’s arm would stab through the glass, then turn to rip out the frame. The glass would bubble and then pop when pressure was applied, usually sending most of the shards shattering to the ground. But the claw never hesitated. As soon as it broke through the glass it was reaching around to grab the frame, yank it out, letting any remaining glass fall to the ground. The Bobcat was in position for the next window before the sound of broken glass silenced.

A crane with a large concrete ball toppled most of the building. The concrete ball was probably twice the size of a basketball. A chain went through the ball going up to the crane, and another chain fell below the ball, and then curved back to the crane, allowing them to both drop and swing the concrete ball. A slow, simple swing or drop is what brought down most of the building. They’d raise up the ball, then let it fall, slowly at first, building up speed just before it smashed into the concrete. Most of the time nothing would happen. It would echo, the dust would rise, and a few pieces would fall. But every few swings a large chunk would fall, and a piece of the building would cave away. Often they would just drop the ball in a line, and then swing the ball into the weakened structure, letting an entire section of wall fall away. I watched this happen twice, seeing a 10 foot by 10 foot piece of sheet metal fall six stories.

The most amazing to watch was the dome of the Astronomy wing. They raised the concrete ball and let it fall in the center of the dome. The building shook and the ball bounced, sending reverberations up and down the chain. They raised the ball again and dropped it. Raised it again and dropped it. Again and dropped. Again. I never saw the dome give way.

Ash Wednesday

Almighty and everlasting God, you hate nothing you have made and forgive the sins of all who are penitent; Create and make in us new and contrite hearts, that we, worthily lamenting our sins and acknowledging our wretchedness, may obtain of you, the God of all mercy, perfect remission and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, be self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance, and as a mark of our mortal nature, let us now kneel before the Lord, our maker and redeemer.

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and to one another, and to the whole communion of saints in heave and on earth, that we have sinned by our own fault in though, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven.
Have mercy on us, Lord.

We have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit.
Have mercy on us, Lord.

We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our anger at our own frustration, and our envy of those more fortunate than ourselves,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work,
We confess to you, Lord.

Our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is in us,
We confess to you, Lord.

Accept our repentance, Lord, for the wrongs we have done: for our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward our neighbors, and for our prejudice and contempt towards those who differ from us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

For our waste and pollution of your creation, and our lack of concern for those who come after us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.

Restore us, good Lord, and let your anger depart from us;
Favorably hear us, for your mercy is great.

Accomplish in us the work of your salvation,
That we may show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord,
Bring us with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

Almighty God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who desires not the death of sinners, but rather that they may turn from their wickedness and live, has given power and commandment to his ministers to declare and pronounce to his people, being penitent, the absolution and remission of their sins. He pardons and absolves all those who truly repent, and with sincere hearts believe his holy Gospel.

Therefore, we beseech him to grant us true repentance and his Holy Spirit, that those things may please him which we do on this day, and that the rest of our life hereafter may be pure and holy, so that at the last we may come to his eternal joy; through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.

(Imposition of Ashes, Rite 2)

Sit Down and Think

Feel a bit neglected, eh? Don’t we all. I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I’m not in college anymore and I can’t write my thoughts no matter the hour. I got to bed at 10:30 and the alarm goes off at 5:55. There’s just not enough time to sit down and write what I think.

What do I think? House shopping — oh my. George W. Bush on the cover of Newsweek, it’s all about God. Makes me nervous. Invoking God when considering war is dangerous turf. Reminds me of the crusades. And I’m not talking Billy Graham. Saw a snippet today that flippantly reminded us that Saddam didn’t hesitate to use chemical weapons on his own people. I love that fact. We throw it around like such solid evidence. Where did he get those chemical weapons? Us.

Read a good piece on Frederick Buechner last week from the March 2003 issue of CT. Old Buechner’s still kicking. Makes me wish I’ve read more of his books. Makes me wish I could find more of his books in the used section.

Lent is coming up. We considered giving up book buying. Couldn’t do it. We’re giving up eating out instead. I guess Lent is tomorrow. It’s not coming up — it’s here.

Taxes — oh my. Yeah, need to think about doing those.

Job — oh my. Yeah, I need one of those. Though I’m not worried. Those kind of things tend to fall in place when they need to. Of course my definition of need to isn’t always the definition that ends up happening, but we work with what we can.

Yeah, things are still spinning.

Bono on CT

March 2003 Christianity Today Bono graces the cover of the March 2003 issue of Christianity Today. It’s about time.

“‘Love thy neighbor’ is not a piece of advice, it’s a command,” Bono told Christianity Today in an earlier article. “Christ talks about the poor [and says] ‘whatever you have done to the least of these brothers of mine, you’ve done to me.’ In Africa right now, the least of my brethren are dying in shiploads and we are not responding.”