Monthly Archives: March 1999

Introspection

Why I’m Alive

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The most passionate and tender kiss is worthless. The satisfaction of a job well done is empty and hollow. The thrill of sport and the security of money are nothing. All the things of life are meaningless without the love of God. No matter what you are facing, how you are feeling God is there. He knows what you are going through, and he understands. He accepts you with open arms and loves you. He loves you. He doesn’t expect you to articulate in full and complete sentences with big fancy words just what you want, need or feel. He understands why you’ve ignored him for the past several days. He forgives you, and he loves you. He knows where you are at, he knows what you have been through, and he still loves you. That is so amazing, so freeing, so life giving. It makes life so much more. That is why I am alive. That is why I live. That is why I breathe.

—

And, because you’ll be reading this tomorrow, Happy Birthday Mom.

Introspection

Curse of the Introspective Introvert

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It’s the curse of the introspective introvert. You crave attention, but don’t want anyone to know. You need someone to talk to, but have to hide the tears. Oh wait, men don’t cry. Never mind. It’s okay. It’s alright. Will something go away if you just ignore it? I don’t want to face the facts, but sooner or later something will have to be done. Unrequited love enjoys company, and now both of us are lost in this sea of confusion. Drowning to save, and saving to drown. What’s the answer Lord, I just don’t know. I scream and holler, ‘Why?” and the still night responds with the unbroken quiet. And so I stop thinking about it, and maybe it’ll go away. What do I want? I just don’t know. Is that even the right question to ask? Popular culture would laugh at me for even doubting. And it’s all too confusing in its deep, mysterious ways. Would someone please turn the light on?

“I have found that I will never have anything until I have nothing of me.” (“Soul of Letters” by Ben Kyle)

Music

Dancing at Bethel

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Tonight I watched a concert in the Benson Great Hall at Bethel College. Now picture the scene, Bethel is a Baptist General Conference school. This means conservative. The lifestyle statement has a “no school sponsored” dancing provision, however you want to decipher that. The Benson Great Hall is this really nice, acoustically harmonized concert hall that would be perfect for the Vienna Choir Boys (who have sung there). Then imagine a swing/punk band named Skooch taking the stage. Hepcats in their zoot suits (not really, but it sounds good) prancing around stage, and twenty people clustered in front dancing away. Dancing. In the Great Hall. At Bethel College. It’s nothing new, I saw it last year at several big time concerts. It’s just fun to see a reminder every once in a while.

Introspection

It’ll Be OK

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“It’s alright, it’s okay / It’s alright, I’m gonna make it anyway / It’s alright, it’s okay / I’m gonna find my way, today.” (“It’s Alright” by Dog Named David)

Have you ever wanted to say everything will be okay, when you knew it was a bold faced lie? In some grand sense, saying ‘it’s okay’ is true, but sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. Sometimes in a more day to day or year to year sense, it’s just not true. Everything won’t be okay. Why do I bother trying, as if the words will work like some magical Band-Aid, covering the pain?

But what’s the point of wondering when it’s all lost in the rigors of day to day life and the struggle to put on that happy face. The hurt cuts deep, but that project is due tomorrow, and being the focused college student that I am, one will be remembered and the other forgotten.

Like tonight it was all forgotten in a few random trips around town with my friends. Three of us ended up in Edina, MN at one of the ritziest malls I’ve ever been to. For the cost of next year’s tuition, I could be the proud owner of a Rembrandt. You somehow feel out of place in a mall where the store fronts look like quaint, small town shops–and you’re wearing scrubby jeans and a long-john lined, hooded sweatshirt.

You see what I mean, what’s going to be okay? How can something so vital lose its significance so quickly? Maybe if I just don’t think about it, it’ll go away. Yeah, that’s it.

“You don’t know, no you don’t even know…” (“Nothing” by Value Pac)

Society

Maintain Your Own at Others’ Expense

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What’s the good in being a Superpower if all you do is seek to maintain your own way of life at the expense of the rest of the world? Shouldn’t you be seeking to raise the standard of living in the rest of the world and easing suffering, hunger, and death, as opposed to raising your own lot? Pain and death are all too familiar in this world. You see it in Iraq, Kosovo, everywhere. And instead of using our power to bring an end to the injustice, the United States of America, a land founded on opportunity, hope, and justice, we use our power to protect our money, our oil, and our rich, selfish way of life. Is this what our forefathers envisioned? No, they wrote the Constitution hoping to escape from such tyranny. Now look what we’ve become.

Introspection

Tomorrow is Another Day

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Is American society really the way to go? 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, married and living with all sorts of possessions, wondering who really owns who. You have your kids and shove them off to the public school where by the age of 5 their creativity is squashed when their classmates laugh at their drawing of an elephant. By middle school they’re insecure and lonely, and in ten years will be joining the 8/40 work force and starting a family of their own. The unbroken cycle. Is this the way it’s supposed to be? Can’t there be a better way?

So you’re walking through the mall with people passing on every side. In a half an hour literally hundreds of people will have walked by. Have you ever considered sharing the gospel with them? Sharing the gospel with total strangers? Yeah I know, you’re feeling shocked right now. Who would do that? Why would you do that? Every time I hear someone talk about some kind of street evangelism where they witness to total strangers I get the feeling that they’re nuts. But you know what, people thought Jesus was nuts. Why not just go up to a stranger and talk to them, what do you have to lose? If they blow you off, that’s their problem. If they sit down and listen to you, it could make a difference in someone’s eternity. If you don’t do anything, well than that’s your problem. Sometimes I wonder if these methods of evangelism aren’t totally crazy. And don’t tell me it’s not for you.

So many issues to deal with in one day. I could spend weeks on any one. And then the more pressing issues come to mind, and it all fades away. I see the pictures staring back at me. I know the date, an all too familiar one. The uncertainty eats away at you, and all you can do is wonder. Maybe I need to take another walk. Maybe I just need to go to bed and hope it all fades away. Tomorrow is another day.

Just for Fun

Mission Control: Remote Location Night

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Tonight on Bethel Radio my cohort and I truly created a radio phenomenon. We did a “Remote Location Night,” where my co-host, Josh, ran around campus giving out free stuff and telling people about our show. What a response! There were cheers, shouts, “Welcome Josh!” signs, strobe lights, air horns, and even a “King of the Radio” crown that was presented to Josh. He came in contact with over 150 people and back in the studio (where I was) the phone barely stopped ringing. Wow. All the hard work finally pays off. I can breathe once again. Except for that homework I still need to do for tomorrow. Doh. Oh well, it’s time for bed.

Introspection

Just a Stupid Kid

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The wind blows and the chips fall and the time ticks away. The sun rises and falls, and the day advances. The alarm clock blares, and with a groping reach I smack it. The responsibilities of another day and another week and another semester weigh down on me. What does tomorrow hold? More of the same. More of the same. The deadlines will come and the deadlines will go. The pressure will eventually release, and I’ll shout for joy. But until then I’m trapped in this box. The walls are closing in and the air is running out. What do I do? What does anybody do? This box must be glass, because no one else sees me struggle, like a rat in a cage. It’s been said that people in glass boxes should always wear clothes. You have to find some way to hide behind the naked hurt inside. You shouldn’t throw stones at people in glass boxes either. They’ve already been shattered. But what do I know? I’m just a stupid kid. Not quite a bus driver, but maybe close. They see you’ve lost that loving feeling, and the waitress laughs and forgets my coffee cake. She doesn’t know. And neither do you. I can’t expect you to. The feeling may not be gone, but it’s definitely being questioned. Not by me, but by you. But your questioning causes my heart to ache. It just doesn’t understand. I try to be patient. I cling to that patience. But the only way I survive is to bury my hurt under a pile of busyness. If it’s lost beneath the pile of papers on my desk it can’t hurt me, can it? What you don’t know can’t hurt you. What you cannot see is not there. Is that so? I don’t know. But I don’t think so. You should know so. I don’t question what is happening. I just wish it would hurry up and be over with. That’s the joy of it though, isn’t it. What’s one year of pain in a life of sixty-eight? Well, it’s one year. Insignificant then, but monumental now. Ironic, isn’t it. But that’s life. That’s life. Is anybody out there? Yes, you are and no, you aren’t. Yes you are, because you all think I’m nuts. And no you’re not, because you just don’t understand.

I think I’m going to go for a walk now.

(To everyone concerned about my psychological state: Don’t worry, I’m just having fun expressing my feelings by throwing every reference that comes to mind in there. See how many you can pick out. Songs and quotes and such. It’s kind of a game. Mom, this means you.)