Orange is the new red. Punk is the new preppy. Thrift shop is the new casual. Old school is the new school. Trends and the latest in are so out with me. I get a kick walking around the mall and seeing the styles stores are trying to peddle as the latest and greatest. Everything is so phony. They’re manufacturing cool and selling it at discount prices.

My favorite is the new chic punk. The tough looking clothes that once defined rebellion are now sold in soft girly yellows and pinks, toned down and trimmed to be a hackneyed copycat lacking the soul of the original. But it’s okay, cuz you’d look so cute in that.

A close second is the fabricated retro. It used to be cool to shop the thrift stores, buying actual clothes from the seventies. But who needs frayed tees that smell like your grandma when you can have the same thing with artificial logos and a brand name? It incorporates all the style of Salvation Army with none of the price.

And finally, the only thing falling faster than the stock market is the waistline of women’s jeans (“Here Come the Buns”). The low-rider is suddenly back, but it wasn’t enough, we had to have hip-huggers again and ultra-low rise and really really low rise, and this-is-so-freaking-low-you-can’t-really-call-them-pants-anymore-low riders. And low-rider jeans coupled with the thong spells trouble for the DEA: plumbers aren’t the only ones dispensing a little crack.

It’s getting to the point where prissy little pre-teens need to coordinate before going to the mall. Are we going fake sweat suit casual or preppy punk? Because you’d hate to mix genres while hanging with your friends. But you don’t want to overdo it. I saw one dynamic duo at the mall that were a little too coordinated. They were going for the chunky tennis shoes, split-side bell-bottoms, and retro rugby shirts. They looked like a pair of walking mannequins.

I never want to be that cool.