Like the Knight in The Seventh Seal

I feel like the knight in the movie The Seventh Seal who drops to his knees on a Swedish beach to pray but can’t find the words. His hands come together and his eyes close, but nothing comes. His hands drift apart, his eyes open. He pauses for a moment, then shakes his head, rises, and walks away. He is confronted with Death in the next scene.

I feel like that knight, not just in my pathetic attempts at prayer, but in everything. Finals are next week, the computer ate my disk, and it feels like the alarm won’t stop blaring. I could really use a break, but when I get one it’s not for long. I slept in this morning, and although I really needed it, you couldn’t tell the difference. This evening I spewed out a paper without rereading it and then took a nap. I’m okay mom, it’s just May.

Just May with the moon so hazy and the long shadow before me. I used to get up and run and now I ask myself from what? I’d run tomorrow, but that’s forty minutes of sleep. I’d take a shower tomorrow, but that’s ten minutes of sleep. I’d shave tomorrow, but that’s five minutes of sleep. The bare minimum to survive, that’s all a college student really needs. There’s nothing like a 5 o’clock shadow at 9 am. But the real question is why am I still writing this?

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