Have you ever had something so immense to deal with that you just don’t know what to do? Your fingers are trembling, your stomach feels twisted in knots, and there’s a large lump in your throat that can only be your heart. You don’t know what to do, what to think, what to say, or how to react in any way. You just want to run out the door and out into the street and scream. You want to do something so bizarre, as if you were in a movie. Just go out the door and take a walk, even if it’s midnight, and walk until the sun rises. Do something odd, bizarre, and totally out of character because you’ve just undergone such a shock that you don’t know what to do.

Yeah, well I’m going for a walk.

(for those worried about my psychological state, don’t worry, I’ll be fine)

Sometimes I ask myself what I’m doing, and I just don’t know the answer.

Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall? I talk about my day, and they don’t seem to care. I talk about how I feel, and they just ignore me. Maybe they didn’t hear me. Hello? I ask a question and they don’t answer. So I ask again, and they don’t answer. I ask a third time and no answer. Why am I being ignored? You’re not supposed to be a brick wall. When someone puts their heart on the line, at the least you acknowledge it. You don’t ignore it. I can only hope I’m not being heard, because I just don’t understand. Have I done something wrong? Or is this just the way things are going? I certainly hope not, because my heart is growing bitter, building its own brick wall. And that’s the last thing I want to do. Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall? It hurts.

What secret lies transpire in the hidden rooms of your heart? What do you do behind closed doors, in empty rooms, when no one is watching? Who do you hate? What kind of a wretched person are you when no one is around to watch you be good? What can you get away with? If no one will ever know, is everything all right? But someone is watching and knows every secret action, word, and thought. You thought you were all alone, but someone was watching, shedding a silent tear for your misgivings.

Today I had a conversation with someone on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. How bizarre is it that I can converse with someone so far away? It would take days for me to even drive to the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, and I’d only be half the distance to this friend. Yet through some phone lines we can exchange lines of text. It’s amazing when you really think about it.

Speaking of amazing, while I was walking to class tonight, the sky looked beautiful. The night sky was a crisp midnight blue (yet it was only 6:30, oh the irony) and the tiny crescent of a moon lit up the expanse. You could still see the rest of the moon, a dark form hiding behind the brightness of the white sliver. To the lower right of the orb was a brilliant pin prick of light, and again to the lower right was another bright dot of white. One of them had to be a planet, but I certainly couldn’t identify it.

I feel kind of bad for the really weak ponderings lately, so I present you with this absurd thought from my devotions the other day. It comes from the tenth chapter of Hosea. I’m totally taking it out of context, and even skipping a sentence or two–but it still makes you wonder. We never think that God would bring the judgment he unleashed on Israel to his church today, but you never know. He over turned tables in the Jewish courts, why do we think we’re safe from his anger? It may be totally out of context and not a proper reading of the passage, but it can still be a call to wake up.

“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength… Thus it will happen to you, O Bethel, because your wickedness is great.” (Hosea 10:12-13, 15 NIV)

Complain, complain, complain. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Sarcasm. Cynicism. Little, tiny annoyances. Differences. Flaws. Stereotypes. I put you in a box and you put me in another. The lines are drawn. You stay over there, and I’ll stay over here. Our societies are splintered. Our communities are divided. What I feel is important. What I want is important. What is different from me, what is not what I want, is wrong. I am important. I am number one. You are secondary. Is this how we are called to live? Then why is it the predominant attitude? Why don’t I look out for someone else?

You know what? We need to slow down. So many times we just live life at our hurried pace and never stop to smell the roses. Or something cheesy like that. But it’s true. This weekend I was reminded of real beauty as I just gazed into my girlfriend’s eyes. The colors were just amazing. So many times we just don’t notice the things worth noticing. For an hour this weekend I just sat on the couch starring. My eyes shifted between my sleeping girlfriend in my lap and the sun shining across a field of snow as it set outside the window. Two astounding creations of God. And do we ever stop to notice? Not often enough, not often enough.

Sometimes I just have to stop and wonder if what I’m doing is right. Here I am in life, making choices to do certain things. I decide to be a part of a yo-yo ministry here, over here I decide to be a radio personality. Sometimes I just wonder if I’m concentrating on what I need to be concentrating on. Is this worth while? It really makes me wonder sometimes as I see things disappear before my eyes. I ended up leaving the yo-yo ministry. Was that time well spent? My co-host who’s made radio a lot of fun may be leaving next year. Was that time well spent? I just have these doubts sometimes. I suppose I’m learning valuable skills and just enjoying life, but I just have to wonder sometimes. I get so excited about things when I’m in the midst of them. Then six months later it’s all over. Do I just keep building myself up to let myself down? Or am I focusing in the wrong area? Life is really confusing sometimes. I really value the experiences I’ve had in my life, but is it okay to question them? Could there be more out there that would be, in a sense, better to experience? Or do I need these ‘sidetracks’ to make me who I am? I just can’t help wondering sometimes, and just asking questions.

Who I am as a person so often seems to be shaped by who I’m with. And when that person leaves, it’s as if I lose shape. That part of me falls apart. It no longer works like it once did. The chemistry just isn’t there anymore. Am I always going to be shaped this way? Perhaps I need to be shaped by myself and be guided by my own dreams.

I’m just a little confused sometimes, and all I can do is sit and wonder.