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Archive for Adoption

A Family of Five One Week On

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

Yeshumnesh has been home a little more than a weekWaiting for Yeshumnesh at the Airport and we’re all slowly adjusting.

It’s kind of a rollercoaster ride to suddenly be the dad of a preteen. This morning I took Yeshumnesh to get her ears pierced. We’ve borrowed a truckload of Hannah Montana from the library. Her birthday list is filled with sparkly pink items. And I think I have the awkward, dorky dad part down. At least that comes naturally.

We’ve been trying to keep busy as boredom is definitely a problem. I hate that anyone could ever be bored—there’s way too much to do in life to be bored. Growing up one my friend’s parents treated ‘bored’ like a swear word and they’d put you to work if they heard you complaining about being bored. I kind of like that. But in this case it’s understandable as Yeshumnesh is still adjusting to everything and we can’t exactly kick her out the back door and tell her to go find something to do. Abby and I are doing a lot of remembering what it was like to be home for the summer and having nothing to do.

One night we went to the Mall of America as a family. The verdict was it was too loud and overwhelming. But McDonald’s ice cream was a win. We went to church on Sunday, but that was also overwhelming. I think having all kinds of strangers come up and talk to you is a little much for anyone. The board game Sorry has been a big hit. And as dorky as we may be as parents, the movie Josie & The Pussycats was deemed cool, so I think we get some kind of points for that.

On Tuesday night we went to a wading pool to meet with another adoptive family with three kids who were from the same care center as Yeshumnesh. They all knew each other in Ethiopia and it was quite a reunion. I saw them coming and pointed them out to Yeshumnesh. She jumped up and both girls ran to each other. There was hugging, squealing and a lot of talking in Amharic. It was so cool to see. I literally applauded (see: dork).

So we’re all slowly getting used to a family of five. The car feels crammed when we all pile in to go somewhere. The house is a lot louder (though that’s all Lexi and Milo). Meals have had to be a lot more organized—somehow one more person means we need to put more effort into it. And I think Abby and I are definitely going to bed earlier. Once Yeshumnesh goes to bed I usually look at the clock and balk at staying up later.

It’s only been a week and it’s still summer, so things will likely get bumpier later, but so far so good.

Categories : Adoption, Family
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Family of Five

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Family Photo!

Now we’re a family of five.

Categories : Adoption, Family
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Say Hello to Yeshumnesh

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Abby & YeshumneshWe announced earlier this spring that we were pursing the adoption of an older child. We never imagined that a few short months later we’d be welcoming an 11-year-old girl into our family. But that’s what happened.

We’ve been pretty tight-lipped about this adoption, both because of the speed of the process (we got the call on June 8) and the nature of the situation. But it’s happening. So the beans get spilled.

Last week Abby and our good friend Nicole traveled to Anchorage, Alaska to meet Yeshumnesh (pronounced Ye-shem-nesh). They return today (hopefully). She’s a bright, out-going and active Ethiopian girl who will turn 11 in August. She originally came to the United States in December of 2009, but that original adoption is being disrupted (that’s adoption lingo for what happens when a child is placed with a family and it doesn’t work out). The reasons behind that disruption will remain private, but in general this family was not the right fit for Yeshumnesh.

Yeshumesh will go to school a few blocks from our house. She’s very athletic and enjoys soccer, biking, cross-country skiing and ice skating (hockey!). She likes to color and enjoys listening to stories. She loves movies, including High School Musical and Hannah Montana. She’s pretty good with her English though is still catching up. She’ll have her own bedroom across from Lexi & Milo’s that we hope we can decorate together.

This has been a pretty insane week. And I’m not in Alaska. I stayed home with the kids and tried to maintain some normalcy. This is the longest Milo has ever been away from Abby and I realized it’s also the longest I’ve been away from my wife in, well, I don’t remember how long. Definitely since we had kids, probably longer. Maybe since we got married.

And I’m sure it’s been crazier in Alaska. Welcoming an older child into your family isn’t like adopting an infant. It’s a whole new ball of wax. We’ve had a rollercoaster of a summer preparing for this and it’s finally coming together. It’s not going to be easy. Yeshumnesh needs to get used to our family—and an entirely new life—and we need to get used to her. Lexi and Milo will have their own transitions, so it could be bumpy all the way around as we get used to one another.

We’ll be leaning on a lot of folks for support, from social workers and therapists to friends and family. I’ve been leaning on them pretty hard this week and it’s just me and the little ones. I don’t know where we’d be without help—definitely not here, that’s for sure. You can’t do this kind of thing without help.

Our friends and family have been incredibly supportive of Milo’s adoption and we’re hoping to find the same love and support this time around. Any efforts to shore up our sanity are always appreciated. If you’re the praying type, we could use lots of prayer for the remaining legal issues, travel, transitions, family bonding, logistics and financial considerations.

I never imagined I’d be the father of three and rocking a mohawk at 31.

Categories : Adoption, Family
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Head-Spinning Summer

Friday, July 9th, 2010

This summer was supposed to be relaxing. Abby would be home from school and we’d have some free time. We had a lot packed into the summer, but it was summer and it was going to be nice and slow.

Instead the past month has been pretty head-spinning. Our slow, leisurely adoption plan that likely wouldn’t have seen a child join our family until next summer went into overdrive with a single phone call we received about 30 days ago. Since then that relaxing summer plan has gone completely out the window. The best-laid plans, huh?

Let’s recap the last 30 days:

  • We skipped an all-church camp weekend in Northern Wisconsin due to sickness (failed plans is going to be a recurring theme).
  • Lexi started weekly swim lessons.
  • I pitched my book to the Social Media Breakfast crowd and raised some extra money for charity: water (proving once again how much I hate and am terrible at public speaking).
  • We celebrated a birthday and Father’s Day.
  • Abby had an entire week of day-long conferences.
  • We had a major article appear in the local paper hyping my book (still getting comments about that one—so cool).
  • I spent the night and a separate evening at church.
  • I skipped out on the week-long youth group missions trip to Chicago I was supposed to chaperone because things were too crazy.
  • A brand new niece came into the world (and I’ve lost count of how many people are pregnant right now).
  • We moved Milo from his crib into a real bed.
  • We switched Lexi and Milo into a new bedroom.
  • We installed a new cabinet in the bathroom and somehow acquired three large pieces of furniture.
  • Both sets of grandparents visited on the same weekend.
  • We averaged 4-5 meetings, playdates or non-standard commitments every week. In a normal week we maybe average one.
  • We’ve had a total of 12 meetings or scheduled conference calls regarding the adoption. When I added them all up I was actually surprised it wasn’t more.
  • Tomorrow we attend the massive Summer Mehaber, a picnic for Ethiopian families, and my book will have its own booth (thankfully I hired a couple guys to run the booth for me).
  • The only reason I have time to write this post is because Lexi is sick and we’re staying home from today’s massive zoo trip with Ethiopian families in town for the picnic.

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Categories : Adoption, Family
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Adoption Failure

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

I’ve written about a number of adoption stories lately, many of them happy, heart-warming tales. But not every adoption story is so good. Adoption inherently involves some form of brokenness, so no matter what there’s already some heartache involved. But in some cases even that measure of hope that comes to a broken story is lost.

These stories suck. But I want to be honest that they happen. That’s pretty obvious after that whole putting a kid on a plane to Russia debacle, but sometimes we need less sensational and more real stories. I don’t want to imply that these cases are completely devoid of hope—I’m kind of an annoying idealist that way and believe hope can eventually come to the darkest situation. But in the midst of that darkness it can be pretty impossible to see the hope. I can only pray it’s there.

In Addition by Adoption I mentioned a family of six that had moved to Uganda to finalize their adoption. It was an incredible story. Unfortunately late last year the family moved back to the United States without their new addition. At the time they weren’t sharing any details, but earlier this month they broke their silence. The dad shared the details and his perspective here and the mom later added her perspective here.

The story, in a nutshell, is that they discovered the 5-year-old boy they were trying to adopt had been abusing their toddler-aged daughter. A history and pattern of abuse emerged, something that’s sadly not uncommon for institutionalized children. They had to make the painful decision to relinquish the child and ultimately chose to return to the United States.

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Categories : Adoption
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My Family is Ethiopian

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010

We were talking with some fellow adoptive parents the other night about the issue of embracing our children’s culture of origin. One mom made the comment that having a child adopted from Ethiopia means that her entire family is now Scottish and Ethiopian. There is no distinction—the Ethiopian child is now Scottish and the Scottish parents/children are now Ethiopian.

Saying it doesn’t make it so, but it’s a helpful attitude to have. Ethiopian culture isn’t some add on we endure to humor a child. And it’s not simply that child’s culture to the exclusion of the rest of the family. The entire family needs to embrace that culture. Likewise the adopted child needs to embrace the family’s culture. We blend, mix and share.

This is the kind of cultural blending that happens when people get married or when step families are formed—of course some families require more mixing that others. It’s natural that we embrace the culture and background of our loved ones.

I’m not sure why but in adoption there’s a temptation to leave that culture one step removed. We definitely want to embrace it, but we think of it as the child’s culture and not our own. We’ve mistakenly done this to some extent with Milo, thinking that we’ll dive into Ethiopian culture classes when he’s older and can appreciate it. But the rest of the family should learn that stuff too and there’s no need to wait for Milo. Heck, we could have been doing that before he came home.

Not that we haven’t been embracing Ethiopian culture. We were already doing a lot, but this brings it one step closer. For me, I think it’s about internalizing it. I always seem to be one step slower on this stuff, but I’m getting there. I even started an Ethiopia page to begin collecting the helpful resources I’m finding (most of which my wife has found; See? One step behind).

What I love about this approach to blending cultures in a family is that it’s not the child’s responsibility—it’s the family’s responsibility. So when a child is struggling with identity issues and wants nothing to do with their culture of origin (which is pretty common for internationally adopted children) that doesn’t mean it disappears from the family entirely. The stubborn kid doesn’t want to go to a cultural event? That’s fine. But I’m going because I enjoy it. It’s my culture, too.

Categories : Adoption
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Father’s Day in the Pioneer Press

Sunday, June 20th, 2010
Pioneer Press photo by Chris Polydoroff

Pioneer Press photo by Chris Polydoroff

I woke up to seeing myself in the Pioneer Press this morning as a part of a Father’s Day feature, Tweet Dad: West St. Paul father writes about his kids’ lives 140 characters at a time.

OK, not really.

I actually woke up to Milo storming into our bedroom at 5:45. We graduated Milo to a real bed last night and are now very appreciative of the cage-like qualities of a crib.

But after that I saw the incredible Pioneer Press feature on my book, Addition by Adoption: Kids, Causes & 140 Characters, complete with a little photo gallery and lots of details about my life as a twittering dad. I love that they mentioned my blogging history going back to 1998—and my comment that it was really bad back then (it was). I’m glad they included our latest addition at the very end. And I can’t quite pick a favorite picture—our kitchen dance party with Lexi in her ballerina, the fact that Milo in sporting his Red Wings shirt, or the five of us—dogs included—piled around the laptop (a rare moment indeed). But my favorite part about the story is that I didn’t say anything stupid to the reporter.

If you’re checking out my site for the first time, thanks for stopping by:

And a bigtime thanks to everyone who makes this stuff happen. I should specifically mention TriLion Studios and Ronald Cox, who volunteered to do the book’s cover and layout respectively, and the Pioneer Press for doing such a great story.

Thanks and happy Father’s Day!

Categories : Adoption, Books
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The Latest Addition: Adopting Again

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

I dropped my cryptic hints last week and today I can give a little more info: We’re adopting again! Head-spinning changes, indeed.

She’s an 11-year-old girl going into 6th grade and she’ll be joining our family this summer.

Due to the sensitive nature of this whole process, we won’t be sharing a lot of details. But she’s got a beautiful smile and likes to ice skate and draw.

We’re obviously pretty stoked. We’d been exploring a second adoption but we had no idea it would happen this quickly. It’s kind of throwing our entire summer into a tailspin, but that’s OK. It’s a good tailspin.

And happy birthday to me! Couldn’t ask for better birthday news.

Categories : Adoption
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Adoption Isn’t So Lucky

Friday, June 4th, 2010

Sometimes as the parent of an adopted child you get a lot of comments that are spoken innocently but come from a place of ignorance. Education is part of our job, but sometimes it gets a little frustrating.

This mother reached that point of frustration over people expressing how lucky her son must be.

“What a lucky little boy.”…

Lucky? Lucky. Lucky to have been born on a continent terrorized by war, corruption and greed? Lucky to have been born in a country where 25,000 women and girls die each year due to pregnancy-related complications? Lucky to have been born in a country where more than half the population has ZERO access to basic medical care? Lucky to have been born in a region reliant upon rainfall and devastated by drought?
And on it goes.
The rescue and lucky mentality people have with orphans so easily overlooks the very real pain and trauma inherent in it all. It engenders a need for gratefulness and payback among the children that’s just unhealthy. It turns a blind eye to the reality of their situation and turns adoptive parents into superheros that we’re definitely not.
It reminds me of another recent comment from an adoptive parent: “Are you kidding? I’m the lucky one.”
Amen.
Categories : Adoption
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More Adoption Stories

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

I came across this exchange between a mother and her son on another blog from an Ethiopian adoptive parent:

“Mama, what time of day was Philip born?”

I answered, “I don’t know honey.”

He replied, “You don’t know?” He looked slightly befuddled as he said, “How can you not remember?”

I am sure I looked slightly befuddled as I said, “I wasn’t there…”

A light dawned in his eyes and he said, “Ohhh… yeah. He was born in Ethiopia.”

A gentle reminder that the how of a family isn’t always so important.

Categories : Adoption
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