Great.

Before people jump to the conclusion that I am against search for birth family. I’m not. I believe in open adoption and keeping the connection to a child’s birth family is extremely important.

What bothers me is the tagline and language used to sell this show. The tag-line reads:

Some people have spent their whole lives searching for the one thing that matters most… Their wish will now come true. Let’s find your family.

“Let’s find your family”? Are you kidding me? As an adoptive parent, that’s just a slap in the face. Like I somehow don’t count as family. I feel like they are saying, “Let’s find your real family.”

Just like any reality show, it’s a good guess to say the show will focus on the most extreme examples. And now I wonder, what assumptions will the general public be making about my family? Are people going to start assuming they know Milo’s wants and desires? Do they feel they understand the questions he may have or the personal feelings he has surrounding his adoption?

This is a good perspective on the damage a show like this can cause:

For years, the adoptive community has sought to rectify the past vilification of birth-parents as people who gave away their children. Birth parents are now widely recognized as the First Parents of children, deserving of love, respect, and understanding. It is in no one’s best interest to turn the tables and begin to portray adoptive families as second-class, or less-than’ a family created biologically. This new series is a step back for everyone. (RainbowKids.com)

And yes, the show does use terms like “gave away” and people who “are adopted” (Milo was adopted, not is adopted. It happened once, just like birth. Lexi was born, not is born.) And let’s face it because the show will be filled with drama, raw emotions, heavy editing and extreme circumstances, it will take a while before it’s canceled.

Arthur also aired an episode featuring a Chinese adoption.

I’m a big fan of kid’s programming dealing with issues as important as adoption but one thing that I wish the shows would talk about is the birthparents. I think without meaning to, the writers portray the adoptive parents as the only people who love the adopted child…if you were six and adopted, how would that make you feel?

Occasionally, when I’ve been asked about our choice to adopt the real question seems to be “why adopt when you can have biological children?” It’s feels like the person is implying that because we are capable of having children, that should be our first and/or only choice.

When you find out someone is pregnant, you don’t ask why they got pregnant you congratulate them. Same thing for people adopting.

I’m more than willing to explain why we are adopting internationally, or why we chose Ethiopia or any of the specifics, but as for the general why we are adopting – here’s the answer: We want more kids.

1. Don’t ask a parent “which ones are yours and which ones are adopted?” All my kids are my kids. Some are biological and some are adopted. (And to be honest when a white parent is walking down the street with a white child and an African/Asian/Latino child, do you really need to ask?)

2. Biological parents or birth parents did not “give up” or “put up” their child for adoption. They placed their child or created a plan for their child.

3. Real Parents. The child’s real parents are the parents they live with, love them, care for and provide for them. Biological or birthparents are the parents that placed them for adoption.

4. Be respectful of a child’s privacy. Many children don’t like to discuss their adoption with anyone they meet. If they offer information, feel free to talk about it. If they say they don’t want to talk about it, respect that.

5. Adoption is something that happens once in a child’s life. If it’s related to the story say “Carrie was adopted.” Not “Carrie is adopted.” You don’t say “Lexi is born.” You say “Lexi was born.”

6. And along those same lines – only bring up the fact the child was adopted if it’s pertains to the story you are telling. There’s no reason to keep the “adopted” label with the child. You never introduce a family as Kevin and Abby and their birth daughter, Lexi. So you don’t need to say “Kevin and Abby and their adopted son/daughter.”

There’s probably a lot more that I could talk about but those seem to be the most common mistakes people make. It may not seem like a big deal, but to an adopted child, these terms and phrases are part of who they are and need to be used carefully.

And most importantly, if you aren’t sure, just ask the parents (not in front of the kid if possible) I appreciate the opportunity to educate people and I know most parents also appreciate it as well.

It’s used in such contexts as adopt a highway, adopt a pet, adopt an animal from the zoo, adopt a policy, etc.

I haven’t decided how I feel about people being able to “adopt” all these things that aren’t children but there are some people who feel very strongly that the word adoption should be reserved exclusively for talking about children.

They don’t like adopting pets becuase of how quick and easy it is to go to the humane society compared to how long and sometimes difficult the adoption process is. They don’t like the adopt a highway, because it’s not even a living thing – it’s just that – a highway. And the adopt an animal from the zoo bothers them because it confuses adopted kids. If you adopt a kid you bring them home. You take care of them. You love them. They are yours forever. If you adopt a zoo animal you send a check every month. Why don’t you get to bring them home? How come you don’t even get to pet them?

Personally, I don’t think the issue is as wide-spread as the magazine makes it out to be, but it is just one more thing for us as parents to keep in the back of our minds. One more thing that our children may be more sensitive to than the kids in their class.