Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?

Being unemployed sucks. It also opens new opportunities. My life is at such a crossroads right now, I just don’t know what to think. One minute I’m pinching pennies, the next I’m trying to figure out how I can spend a whole lot of those pennies. One day I’m scouring ads looking for that perfect job–or even one that’s close enough, the next I’m adding up numbers and wondering if freelancing will actually work. One day I’m typing happily away, the next I’m envisioning an easier, simpler method of typing away and imaging what could be but isn’t quite yet.

I’m in between so many different things I just don’t know what to do. Part of me is suffering from a thirst to have the latest and greatest of everything. A month ago I wanted a new car. A week ago I wanted a new database-driven blog system. This week I want a new computer. I’m never freaking happy. It’s ludicrous.

When I had a job things weren’t so complicated. I could either afford something or I couldn’t. I added up the damage, looked at the income, and calculated how long it would take to save up enough. It wasn’t that hard. But now I’m unemployed. I oscillate between a prince and a pauper. I envision each freelance job paying for six different things, not quite realizing that it’s all less that what I made before. Reality hasn’t set in since I lost my job. I’ve been living in limbo so long I’m almost eligible to vote.

You’d think it would be so simple: Do you want a real job? Steady hours for a steady paycheck–sign me up. Or do you want to freelance? Flexible hours and a variable paycheck–sign me up. Oh wait, I can’t do both. But here I am, looking for a job and agreeing to freelance work left and right. It’s not like I mind the work. I love the work. Money is good. I just can’t decide where to commit myself. Do I give up the job search? Or do I fake it until unemployment runs out? Do I stop sending cover letters and resumes and start sending queries and manuscripts? There’s never enough time to do both. Or do I just crash my Geo through the gates of Calmwoods? Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.

And where is God in all of this? Where is the clear sign, the arrow from on high, pointing me in the proper direction? It just doesn’t come. God doesn’t work like that. And it drives me nuts. It’s like he wants me to sit here at my computer frustrated by it all. The process. It’s always the process. The already-but-not-yet of faith. The I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. You’ve found it, but you haven’t really. That’s where I’m at. It’s one big ball of insanity. It’s schizophrenianity.

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