Why can I only ask questions, never give answers?
Does the sun keep ducking behind a cloud, fearful to shine on me today?
Why do the leaves change in their brilliance and then crunch under my feet?
Why does the wind blow when I’m alone and my jacket not keep the cold away?
Is the green grass envious of my jaded philosophy?
Why is this the last page of my notebook?
Am I a September dandelion?
Why is the fire pit so full of rusty nails that–like my soul–are all that’s left after the flame.
Why do my new shoes hurt, when the grimy pair with a hole in the toe felt so good?
Is the crow black because of my sin?
Why does grandpa lie so lost, his will to live sucked away?
Does the phone always ring when I take a nap?
Why is the bench always taken?
Why does the spider scamper away?
Is the silver moon imparting courage lost to me?
Why do you go quietly into that good night?
Do you read this page and walk away unchanged?
Why are the days so packed with busy minutes and hurried hours?
Why do we exchange empty hellos with a hollow nod?
Is the sky gray because of our Monday apathy?
Why are Mom and Dad’s assurances a wet blanket to this cold little boy?
Why is there a forty foot stump outside my door?
Why does he make me smile when he doesn’t know my struggle?
Why is her hug like hot chicken & noodle soup to this frozen boy?
Is the earth blue because of our overwhelming humanity?
History lesson. How would you like to be Leo Szilard? The man worked on the Manhattan Project, building the first atomic bomb for the U.S. military. Then, when he realized its potential, he fought against any military use of the bomb. But to no avail. The bombs were dropped and Hiroshima and Nagasaki were leveled. Days later the Japanese unconditionally surrendered. What is the state of humanity when it becomes necessary to level a city to end a war? Many argue that the use of nuclear weapons was necessary. My grandfather fought as a marine in Iowa Jima, and would have undoubtedly been a part of any invasion force, had it been necessary to invade Japan. Such an invasion would not come without great casualties. Therefore many people argue that the atomic bombs saved American lives.
I’ve spent several hours in the past few weeks looking up Christian web sites for a school project. I’ve found the whole thing kind of depressing. In the past hour it’s been a frenzy of links, partners, counters, banners, and a Christian version of everything. I’ve never seen so much repeat content and interrelated webs. I suppose that’s what the web’s all about, but it’s just weird. How many online Christian music stores do we need? Do we need a site for Christian mouse pads? How about Christian backgrounds for your desktop? How about a Christian Banner Exchange Program? A Christian web counter? I’ve found Christian alternatives for virtually every site you could possibly be interested in. I can’t help but ask a few questions here. Is this healthy? Should Christians really be sucking in on themselves like this? Shouldn’t we be using the net to reach out? I also wonder how many of these sites are trying to make a fast buck? All most every single site accepted advertising. On the positive side, a lot of the sites I saw were well designed, at least from a graphics point of view. Of course you also have to take everything I’m saying with a healthy dose of irony. You are, after all, reading this on a Christian site on the web.
I just can’t help but wonder what happens when we flood the internet with cheap Christianity? Is it doing any good, witnessing to people online? Or do we need to step away from our computers and actually talk face to face with our neighbors?
As I scream into the night
what I feel inside my heart.
Burning leaves and warming wisps of sun
fail to save the drowning soul.
Your assurances come like a
wet blanket to a
cold little boy.
“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ,” Philippians 3:8 NIV
“rubbish” in Greek, basically means crap. (probably a stronger word, but that’s close enough).
Do I consider everything in my life crap in comparison to Jesus Christ? Then why do I spend so much time playing with crap?
Midnight contemplations of how it’s supposed to be. From the moment I shut the engine off, until the moment I open my bedroom door. Life stands still, strikes a pose, allowing me to consider for a moment the meaning of the stars. A lonely, after-hours walk from my truck to my room. In the distance the college students frolic on the empty, moon-lit football field. I pass the sleeping dorm, most lights out, except a few, up late talking, breathing, living. Down the wind worn steps with thoughts of what I did and did not do that day. Images of overwhelming humanity that come to me at night. Questions, regrets, dreams. So silent, the wind tickling the trees, the people tucked in their beds. Time for me to ponder how it’s supposed to be–and wonder if there’s even an answer to such a question.
Why is it that people lose their ability to think? Are we just too lazy? Too busy? Or do we just not care? It seems like people won’t take the time to think something through, and so they just dismiss it as weird or juvenile, or an inside joke. Maybe it’s outside their circle of acquaintance, so they just disregard it. Why are we so resistant to being stretched? Sometimes we need to think. Sometimes we even need to think outside the lines. Aren’t we called to exactly that?
So our little war didn’t turning out to be anything. Kind of a ‘wag the dog.’ Oh well, we had our fun with it. It really makes me think though. Some people are just party poopers. They read a fabricated article about dorm wars, and just kind of shake their heads, not devoting enough brain power to it to understand just what’s going on–and see just how ludicrous it is. Sometimes in the midst of homework, projects, tests and stress, you need a little bit of the ridiculous. It’s too bad some people are too cool to recognize that and have some fun.
War is a curious thing. This week is homecoming week at my college, and last night things got a little carried away. One thing lead to another, and the seven guys I live with declared war on an entire dorm. It’s one of those college wars, full of taunts and provocation, but little action. And being upperclassmen, we’re trying to keep it from turning into a juvenile prank war. We attacked first last night by leaving the dorm a package of Twizzlers, cleverly titled “Black Twizzlers of Death.” Stupid? Yeah. But it’s a war of love. The real kicker will be when they try and split up a package of thirty or so twizzlers between a dorm of 150. We’re just trying to have a little fun. Now the wait begins to see if they turn the tables on us and make our lives slightly “inconvenient.” Or it could just be all talk. I guess we’ll see. A psychologist would love to be studying us right now. Oh the things you do for fun. Who knew what college would really be like.
What future are you living for? I don’t know, I skipped the service when the question was asked for an apple muffin and a conversation. Sometimes I have to wonder what it all means and what it’s all for and who’s in control. Is God in control? Then why am I so adrift? Am I in control? Then how do I get anywhere at all? Sometimes I wish God would just appear, show up right here, sitting in my chair. He’d set me straight. He’d help me clean the mess atop my desk. He’d end my procrastinating and send me out to buy new shoes. He’d convince me to get that much needed haircut. He’d help me finish my homework and show me where to find the information for that report. But somehow I don’t think he cares about any of that. If he showed up right here, sitting in my recliner, I think he’d want to talk to me. I think he’d want me to spend some time with him. The piles on my desk can wait. The stack of books I have to read can wait. My worn out shoes and mop-top hair can wait. God is here.
Too bad he’s here and my back’s turned.
A work-at-home dad wrestles with faith, social justice & story.